I haven't written since October and I have many excuses. Mom's cancer diagnosis and ongoing recovery, the 2nd anniversary of Britt's death, church work, conferences, the loss of a special friend in our lives, travel and holiday furor are all good reasons to be too busy to write. But none are good enough to bear the weight of me not writing.
I have missed sitting here sharing my heart. I love the process of birthing the words, the sentence structures, the thoughts and incessant ramblings that are always in my head. I guess that is the creative part of me, that is always pushing, always forcing itself to be heard, if only in my imagination.
When I finally take the time to write, I find time to embrace my thoughts, discover new ideas and then try painfully to write it all eloquently. (Hopefully all you readers out there can understand me.) Then I try to get it all down before I lose it all. It's fun but I find myself racing against this clock that is always ticking, forcing me to hurry. Maybe that is why it has been a struggle. But I'm going to put all those distractions away and write anyway.
I hope that you will be there to share this labor of love.
Blessings,
Melodie
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Just A Simple Reminder
As I was looking at my blog, I struggled as I considered my blogging options. I must admit, when I see that I haven't written in days, the weight of writer's guilt overwhelms me. I want to do better, but with my schedule and my daily tasks, I am amazed that I remember to take a shower. There are so many things that are in my spirit that I want to share. I can't write them all TODAY, but I recognize the fact that I should write something.
As I struggled, the Holy Spirit sent me a writer's prompt. It was just a simple reminder. It happened so quickly as I was looking over the blog. I glanced at the faith quotes located on the top left of the page. I placed these quotes there to remind us all of the importance of faith. (You can't walk in "Big Shoes" without faith.) With so many famous people having spoken about faith, surely we can gain something that will empower us in our daily walk.
Well today was my day. I love how the Holy Spirit knows just what you need and when you need it. I looked over and there was the quote for Saint Augustine that stated:
As I struggled, the Holy Spirit sent me a writer's prompt. It was just a simple reminder. It happened so quickly as I was looking over the blog. I glanced at the faith quotes located on the top left of the page. I placed these quotes there to remind us all of the importance of faith. (You can't walk in "Big Shoes" without faith.) With so many famous people having spoken about faith, surely we can gain something that will empower us in our daily walk.
Well today was my day. I love how the Holy Spirit knows just what you need and when you need it. I looked over and there was the quote for Saint Augustine that stated:
Faith is to believe what you do not see;
The REWARD of this faith is to see what you believe.
I'm a minister and I have preached and taught about faith many times over. And yes, I know that this quote from Saint Augustine is just a old ("new") twist on Hebrews 11:1. But isn't it wonderful to know that God sees when you are going through and He sends you a quote from a man who has been dead for over 1700 years to remind you of HIS faithfulness.
I don't know about you but recently I felt as if I was up against a wall. With my mother's recent's diagnosis and upcoming surgery, my physical weariness from doctor's visit's and consultations, the pressures of homelife, church and community, the yo-yo effect of the economy, concerns for friend's prayer requests and my role of caretaker of two wonderful senior citizens, plus this innate desire to write a book and no time to write it, well faith seem to be the furthest thing I can focus on today.
Isn't that like many of you? We tend to focus on what's wrong instead of the "absolute possibility" that God is going to show up. We strategically place God in the "Maybe He will help today" column and instead worry about our cares and frustrations. I know God sometimes looks down during those times and says, "Beloved, where is your faith?" Let's be honest, sometimes it is so hard. It is hard to trust God when it seems like you are alone in this life and nothing is working out. There have been times (especialy when I faced the fact that I had to deal with cancer again and it has only been 20 months since Britt's death) that I wanted to run and get under my heavy blanket and stay there until everything is over.
But let me say this to all of you. God wants us to be adult about the situation. (Don't you hate that?) He wants us to be a faith filled people even when it is hard. He wants us to believe what we don't see. That my sisters and brothers require a mind-set change. We must change the way we look at things. We must change the way we analyze things and yes, we must change the way we react to things. Still the bottom of line is, will we believe that God can get us out of our present dilemma when it looks like He's NOT going to do it today? Can we still be faith filled people? Can we remain is a calm state although that check didn't come today or we didn't get the job?
Can we believe it although we can't see it?
I want to answer for you and say yes! Just believe and before you know it, you will get the reward. Maybe not today. Maybe not at the exact moment you feel like you need it most. But God always shows up when it seems like ALL the chips are down and there is no where to turn. God manifests His grace that empowers us to abound in ALL things... and "all" means ALL.
Believing even when we can't see is hard. Trusting God, when it seems like there is no way out is HARD. Trusting God, when you want to hide is HARD. Trusting God when it seems like those closest to you are the farthest away is HARD.
Hebrews 11:1a says it like this, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for...
What are you hoping for today? A miracle? A mortgage payment? A rekindled love that been gone for awhile? Maybe it a financial breakthrough or a college tuition payment. The requests are endless but the reward of believing what you don't see now will be the manifestation of seeing what you have believed.
Just let that simmer in your spirit. I wanted to share this simple reminder. Remember there is nothing too hard for God.
Now, can you believe that?
Blessings,
Melodie
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Oh That He Would Hide Me
Waiting in the patient's waiting room, I had a case of deja vu. While my mom tried to digest 1000cc of contrast which was faintly disguised as Crystal Light Lemonade, I listened to the sounds around me. As I sat there, I heard a small child in distress, crying hysterically and I just sat there and my eyes burned with tears. I wanted to run and comfort this child who I did not know. This child, was probably afraid, because x-ray rooms can be dark and scary. Yet, I was remembering my own fears as I has waited with Britt years ago. But I wasn't here with her. I was here with my Mom, trying to be a comfort, a place of safety.
But while we waited, I was remembering being in another small room at Duke University Hospital and listening to all the tired sick children cry as they waited for a CT scan. The flashbacks came and danced before my mind and I longed to look across the room and see Britt waiting for her turn. Instead, I remembered where I was and why I was here. I remembered my mother and her cancerous polyp and I thought about the possible results.
But while we waited, I was remembering being in another small room at Duke University Hospital and listening to all the tired sick children cry as they waited for a CT scan. The flashbacks came and danced before my mind and I longed to look across the room and see Britt waiting for her turn. Instead, I remembered where I was and why I was here. I remembered my mother and her cancerous polyp and I thought about the possible results.
Oh that He would hide me in the secret place...
In the 21 months since she has been gone, I've journeyed to new places in faith so the remembering doesn't keep my stomach in knots anymore. Now I worry about Mom losing her balance; Mom being taken care of by tired hospital staff and fretting about Mom being able to withstand the rigors of possible treatment.
Oh that He would hide me in the secret place...
But as I sat there, I simply exhaled and I smile at my Mom. We engage in casual conversation and I want her to know that she is safe. Still she wants to make sure that I am warm and okay. She is always the Mom. But as I confront my own discomfort and the place where I find myself, I simply remember I've done this before. God was with me then and God is with me now. I thought to myself as she glanced at an old National Geographic magazine, when we leave this place, we are going to take the long way home so she can enjoy the trees, the birds and all the different people she sees on the street.
The technician came to get her and off the two of them went. I prayed as they left the room. I sat and read the latest book that I had in my purse. I looked at her contrast and cup and noticed that she had drunk it all. Not a whimper, nor a complaint. She always just did what she had to do. I buried myself in the book and I looked up and there was my Mom and the nice CT technician. She's all through, he said as he brought her walker in front of me. "She's finished?", I asked in astonishment. Well, she wasn't back there 15 minutes. When Britt had a CT she was back there for 45 minutes to an hour sometimes two. I gathered her things, we journeyed to the front of the hospital and I got her in the car.
What this a good thing or a bad thing? But instead of fretting about it, I decided to pray. We journeyed home and Mom and I talked about the change of the season and the beautiful color of the fall leaves. She loves that kind of thing. She talked about trees that I had never heard of and the onset of the fall season. (I tell you, the woman should have been a botanist.) That conversation carried us all the way home where Mom got settled in her routine and I talked to my husband. This time I didn't call my cousin in NY. I decided to wait until we heard something.
Although I walked this walk before, I was going to trust God to bring Mommy out. No matter how many times I reflected on Britt's journey with cancer, I also knew that Mom was not Britt. Britt was diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic cancer at the age of twelve. Mom had a cancerous polyp and she was 86 years old. Not the same scenario.
While we waited on the results in the days that followed, I began to pray for Mom's health more and more. Thanking God for his hedge of protection around her, I rested and worked on church work. God is so faithful and as I allowed him to hide me, I could wait in peace. In the secret place, God will hide me from the fear, the anxiety and the pain of waiting, knowing that no matter what the technician saw on the scan God would be with my Mom all the way. I'm learning to trust Him more and more even when I don't know how things are going to end up.
Oh that He would hide me in the secret place...
As I walk this uncertain journey, let me admonish you to trust Him even when you don't know how things are going to end up. Exhale and let the pressure escape and learn to rest in Him. He is the only person that can solve your issue and concern. Learn to turn things over to Him and just go along for the ride. But while you are riding along with the cares of this world, don't forget to look out the window and enjoy the scenery. Take on the beauty of God and all that He has created and rest in that. God will allow you to enjoy some things even when you are on one of your harrowing journeys. So hide in His creation and His love for you. Hide in the fact that He is there with you.
It doesn't get any better than that.
Blessings,
Melodie
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The Doctor's Visit
On a recent doctor's visit, my mom's platelet count was found to be extremely high. Of course, when Britt was sick, I monitored her counts on a daily basis. I knew a high (or low) count was nothing to fool around with. I immediately became concerned. My Mom has always been the calm, stoic one who never allowed anything ruffle her feathers. So when her doctor suggested a colonoscopy, she didn't flinch.
I sat there in shock but quicky got myself together. After several more doctors and visits to their offices, the day of the colonoscopy had arrived. I was assured by the nurses that she would be back from the procedure in 30-45 minutes. Reading old magazines, listening to CNN didn't calm my nerves. It wasn't that I hadn't sat in a treatment waiting room a thousand times before, nor was I not use to procedures taking longer that stated. But as I sat there those 45 minutes became three hours. My poor mommy!
Finally I was ushered back to an exhausted doctor, who had laid out a collection of pictures for me to see. His concern was just with one. There staring back at us was an ugly polyp, who refused to come out completely. "I couldn't get it all. You see where I stained it? That is where we are going to have to go back. She's been back there for almost three hours. " He suggested another colonoscopy in four to six weeks. I met my mother back in the pre-treatment room and there she sat, with not a worry or concern. We packed up and traveled home after a quick stop at Starbucks. Of course, the enemy began to speak to me and I immediately began to pray and confess the Word of God over my mother's health. As I drove, I glanced over as my mother nodded off and on. I prayed as she slept that God would give me the strength to support her and keep her encouraged.
We waited for a few days and around 5:30, we got the dreaded phone call. My mom's doctor, trying to sound as supportive as he could, let us know that the polyp that he removed was cancerous. My heart dropped to the floor and it seemed like by breath had stopped. I glanced over at my mom as she sat in the family room folding laundry. How was I going to tell her? Knowing how she worried, I knew that this news would keep her up at night. Lord Jesus, how do I tell her? When do I tell her? I ran up to the guest room and prayed. Then I sat there and remembered Britt's struggle, her battles with chemo and her willingness to fight. She got it from somewhere and I knew that her strength came from my mother. Some admire me because of my own strength, but like Britt, I stand as resilently as I can because of what my mother gave to me. So I must assume, she would be strong enough to handle whatever news I gave her. But I didn't want her to to worry that day or the immediate days to come so I didn't tell her. I called my cousin (a doctor in NY) and I shared all the details. She counseled me and agreed with me that a few day wouldn't matter.
Instead, I prayed more and trusted God. And I loved my mother with things she loved to do, like getting her hair done and going to Shomars and buying her favorite fish sandwich. As I allowed the days to pass, I would watch my mother and would just become full. Brittany and now my mother...God help me! But instead of crying and getting depressed, I committed my mornings to a more intimate time in prayer for my mother, my family, our ministry and God's plan for our life. I had to lay all of those issues at the feet of Jesus. There I would lay my burden down of worry and concern and trust God to take care of everything. With that realization and acceptance, I decided to let God handle it. For he promised that He would never leave me nor forsake me. And as the days passed by, I knew that He would handle everything. With that acknowledgement, I exhaled.
I sat there in shock but quicky got myself together. After several more doctors and visits to their offices, the day of the colonoscopy had arrived. I was assured by the nurses that she would be back from the procedure in 30-45 minutes. Reading old magazines, listening to CNN didn't calm my nerves. It wasn't that I hadn't sat in a treatment waiting room a thousand times before, nor was I not use to procedures taking longer that stated. But as I sat there those 45 minutes became three hours. My poor mommy!
Finally I was ushered back to an exhausted doctor, who had laid out a collection of pictures for me to see. His concern was just with one. There staring back at us was an ugly polyp, who refused to come out completely. "I couldn't get it all. You see where I stained it? That is where we are going to have to go back. She's been back there for almost three hours. " He suggested another colonoscopy in four to six weeks. I met my mother back in the pre-treatment room and there she sat, with not a worry or concern. We packed up and traveled home after a quick stop at Starbucks. Of course, the enemy began to speak to me and I immediately began to pray and confess the Word of God over my mother's health. As I drove, I glanced over as my mother nodded off and on. I prayed as she slept that God would give me the strength to support her and keep her encouraged.
We waited for a few days and around 5:30, we got the dreaded phone call. My mom's doctor, trying to sound as supportive as he could, let us know that the polyp that he removed was cancerous. My heart dropped to the floor and it seemed like by breath had stopped. I glanced over at my mom as she sat in the family room folding laundry. How was I going to tell her? Knowing how she worried, I knew that this news would keep her up at night. Lord Jesus, how do I tell her? When do I tell her? I ran up to the guest room and prayed. Then I sat there and remembered Britt's struggle, her battles with chemo and her willingness to fight. She got it from somewhere and I knew that her strength came from my mother. Some admire me because of my own strength, but like Britt, I stand as resilently as I can because of what my mother gave to me. So I must assume, she would be strong enough to handle whatever news I gave her. But I didn't want her to to worry that day or the immediate days to come so I didn't tell her. I called my cousin (a doctor in NY) and I shared all the details. She counseled me and agreed with me that a few day wouldn't matter.
Instead, I prayed more and trusted God. And I loved my mother with things she loved to do, like getting her hair done and going to Shomars and buying her favorite fish sandwich. As I allowed the days to pass, I would watch my mother and would just become full. Brittany and now my mother...God help me! But instead of crying and getting depressed, I committed my mornings to a more intimate time in prayer for my mother, my family, our ministry and God's plan for our life. I had to lay all of those issues at the feet of Jesus. There I would lay my burden down of worry and concern and trust God to take care of everything. With that realization and acceptance, I decided to let God handle it. For he promised that He would never leave me nor forsake me. And as the days passed by, I knew that He would handle everything. With that acknowledgement, I exhaled.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Pushing, Pressing and Praying Through - A Choice We Have To Make
Every challenge that confronts me has the opportunity to impact my life in a positive or negative way. In times past, I would allow the pressure to overwhelm me, consume me, distract me. But with growth and God's grace, I now realize that I have a choice to make. Every person who reads this blog can make the same choice. We must all ask ourselves, how am I going to allow this event to influence my life? The question is pretty simple; yet we in our complex lives, complicates matters with complex solutions. Not me, well, not anymore. I've learned that the pressures of living, the accidental circumstances, the happenstances, the coincidences can take me over the edge if I allow it. But not me.
I look back and I realize that when I lost my daughter I had a choice.. The grief was so powerful, so consuming that I allowed it to drop me into an abyss that I recently climbed out of...it was a scary journey. Although I invited God in, I wouldn't consider allowing him to bring me out. He in His infinite grace and mercy, allowed me to stay there; but He quietly stayed by my side, insuring me of my safety and sanity. Yet, I had a choice to make. I made a quality decision and that decision was life changing. I made a choice to live. I pushed myself to get up each morning and mother my sons. I could have stayed in the bed and cried and lamented, but instead I did things a mother is supposed to do; love my sons, feed my sons, help with their laundry, encourage them over homework and just be there to let them know how important they were to me. I could have easily ignored them, instead I pressed through the hurt and loved them. I could have allowed my grief to overshadow the fact, that I still had two sons to love and raise. But instead, I chose to do what was best for them.
Even with that lesson learned, I continue to face many challenges. The pressure of ministry often made me yearn to go on sabbatical and stay away for an extended period of time. But God told me, you can't run from the pressures of responsibility no matter how difficult it becomes. You must face each challenge, knowing that God has your back. The blessed thing is if you love God, (and you know that He loves you) God is going to bring you through each challenge anyway. And still I struggle with the fact that God is not just a God over problems but He wants to direct you each day which each step that you make. The question is, will you allow Him to do that in your life? And if you say, yes, remember that you can't allow confusion to cloud your judgement. He wants to instruct you in the way that you should go. Still, we all have a choice to make. Will we let him in?
So what choice do I make? I'm going to trust Him to carry me. But while I am trusting him, I'm going to push through the circumstances of life. I'm going to push through the maze that clouds my direction. I'm going to push through the pressure of having to perform; I'm going to push past the questions that confront me. Questions, like, what about the book? What about the company? What about the plan and what about the dream? All these question, only God has the answers. So why shouldn't I push through until he tells me what He wants me to do.
What is the other choice that I must make? I've got to press through the confusion, the worry and the doubt and trust God to give me clear insight and direction. Pressing through pain and discouragement, can distract you...if you allow it. Sometimes the pain is so great; even as you press through, it tries to take your breath away. Often times, pressing through means allowing yourself to exhale. And I mean that literally. Just taking a deep breathe and breathing out, allows the body to destress and relax. But we must decide to PRESS!!!! Press through all the things that wants to take you in the wrong direction.
Most importantly, we must pray through every situation that we confront. God impressed upon my heart to take my intercession to another level. Isn't it funny, how often we stop praying when we are confronting the most pain? Well, God told me, the things that I want from Him will never come if I don't go to the next level in prayer. Well, I've never prayed so intensely as I have prayed these past months. The blessing is, I have seen a tremendous blessing in my walk with Him. The vision that God has given me is clearer and I have detailed instructions on what to do to make them come to pass. But this would have never happened, if I would not have taken my prayer life to another level. And praying is WORK! Yes, it is sweet communion with God and it is a great time of fellowship with him, but readers, if you want to tear down some serious strongholds, it is warfare. And warfare is WORK through prayer.
Had I chosen not to participate and not pray...well things would be a lot worse. Had I chosen not to press through the issues of life, I bet you I would have had a nervous breakdown by now. And had I not chosen to push through my grief I would probably have died six months ago.
But God gives us choices. And I am so grateful that He was there to help me make the right one. I decided, instead of succumbing to the pressure, I'm pushing through it with faith. I pressing on with power and I'm staying on my knees in prayer asking God to be a part of it all.
Who am I kidding? I couldn't have handled it on my own anyway.
Blessings,
Melodie
I look back and I realize that when I lost my daughter I had a choice.. The grief was so powerful, so consuming that I allowed it to drop me into an abyss that I recently climbed out of...it was a scary journey. Although I invited God in, I wouldn't consider allowing him to bring me out. He in His infinite grace and mercy, allowed me to stay there; but He quietly stayed by my side, insuring me of my safety and sanity. Yet, I had a choice to make. I made a quality decision and that decision was life changing. I made a choice to live. I pushed myself to get up each morning and mother my sons. I could have stayed in the bed and cried and lamented, but instead I did things a mother is supposed to do; love my sons, feed my sons, help with their laundry, encourage them over homework and just be there to let them know how important they were to me. I could have easily ignored them, instead I pressed through the hurt and loved them. I could have allowed my grief to overshadow the fact, that I still had two sons to love and raise. But instead, I chose to do what was best for them.
Even with that lesson learned, I continue to face many challenges. The pressure of ministry often made me yearn to go on sabbatical and stay away for an extended period of time. But God told me, you can't run from the pressures of responsibility no matter how difficult it becomes. You must face each challenge, knowing that God has your back. The blessed thing is if you love God, (and you know that He loves you) God is going to bring you through each challenge anyway. And still I struggle with the fact that God is not just a God over problems but He wants to direct you each day which each step that you make. The question is, will you allow Him to do that in your life? And if you say, yes, remember that you can't allow confusion to cloud your judgement. He wants to instruct you in the way that you should go. Still, we all have a choice to make. Will we let him in?
So what choice do I make? I'm going to trust Him to carry me. But while I am trusting him, I'm going to push through the circumstances of life. I'm going to push through the maze that clouds my direction. I'm going to push through the pressure of having to perform; I'm going to push past the questions that confront me. Questions, like, what about the book? What about the company? What about the plan and what about the dream? All these question, only God has the answers. So why shouldn't I push through until he tells me what He wants me to do.
What is the other choice that I must make? I've got to press through the confusion, the worry and the doubt and trust God to give me clear insight and direction. Pressing through pain and discouragement, can distract you...if you allow it. Sometimes the pain is so great; even as you press through, it tries to take your breath away. Often times, pressing through means allowing yourself to exhale. And I mean that literally. Just taking a deep breathe and breathing out, allows the body to destress and relax. But we must decide to PRESS!!!! Press through all the things that wants to take you in the wrong direction.
Most importantly, we must pray through every situation that we confront. God impressed upon my heart to take my intercession to another level. Isn't it funny, how often we stop praying when we are confronting the most pain? Well, God told me, the things that I want from Him will never come if I don't go to the next level in prayer. Well, I've never prayed so intensely as I have prayed these past months. The blessing is, I have seen a tremendous blessing in my walk with Him. The vision that God has given me is clearer and I have detailed instructions on what to do to make them come to pass. But this would have never happened, if I would not have taken my prayer life to another level. And praying is WORK! Yes, it is sweet communion with God and it is a great time of fellowship with him, but readers, if you want to tear down some serious strongholds, it is warfare. And warfare is WORK through prayer.
Had I chosen not to participate and not pray...well things would be a lot worse. Had I chosen not to press through the issues of life, I bet you I would have had a nervous breakdown by now. And had I not chosen to push through my grief I would probably have died six months ago.
But God gives us choices. And I am so grateful that He was there to help me make the right one. I decided, instead of succumbing to the pressure, I'm pushing through it with faith. I pressing on with power and I'm staying on my knees in prayer asking God to be a part of it all.
Who am I kidding? I couldn't have handled it on my own anyway.
Blessings,
Melodie
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
A Rite of Passage
He did it. I can't believe it but he finally did it. My son, on the first try, passed the exam for his driver's permit. He didn't miss any on the sign test and just a few on the exam. I'm proud but now he's going to expect to drive everyday. I hate to tell him that driving is a priviledge that is earned. It is not an entitlement. Although, we could use another driver as busy as our schedules are.
But do you know what is amazing? He studied for the driver's exam and I mean studied. He really wants to drive. Isn't it amazing how much our kids put into a task, when it benefits them?
I just wish he would embrace homework that way. At fifteen, he can't see the value or the benefit of homework or studying hard. Being a smart kid, he feels that if he does enough to get by, that should be sufficient. Well, I think I already wrote about Mommy's School. Well, school commences this Thursday. We are spending the afternoon in the library preparing for the PSAT. He doesn't feel like it is needed. "Isn't it a test that sees how much I know?" "It doesn't matter about that test. I don't need it." All lame excuses for not wanting to take studying seriously. (I've got a lot of work to do!)
With the death of their sister, I have been lenient to the point that I have not challenged their intellect. I don't know... both boys are very intelligent. They have done well. But I didn't push the homework like I should. Both boys are honor roll students so I didn't feel like they needed the challenge. I felt that they needed time to adjust, recover and deal with the loss. (Let's be honest, I needed to deal with the loss and grieve myself. ) So I didn't push it. Well, it has been nearly 21 months since Britt's death and my boys are getting older. If I don't start training them now, it is going to be very difficult to do it in the future. (And no, it is not too late for my fifteen year old. Difficult, maybe. Too late, never.)
My fifteen old now looks at me like I am crazy because now I am starting to push those buttons. I expect him to deliver. It is very challenging but I know the value of taking school seriously. He will go far if he does well. It is my responsiblity to make sure that he does everything he needs to do, to be prepared and focused. So I'm ready for the challenge. And he will be too.
But would someone PLEASE pray for me?! Homework now includes driving practice.
But do you know what is amazing? He studied for the driver's exam and I mean studied. He really wants to drive. Isn't it amazing how much our kids put into a task, when it benefits them?
I just wish he would embrace homework that way. At fifteen, he can't see the value or the benefit of homework or studying hard. Being a smart kid, he feels that if he does enough to get by, that should be sufficient. Well, I think I already wrote about Mommy's School. Well, school commences this Thursday. We are spending the afternoon in the library preparing for the PSAT. He doesn't feel like it is needed. "Isn't it a test that sees how much I know?" "It doesn't matter about that test. I don't need it." All lame excuses for not wanting to take studying seriously. (I've got a lot of work to do!)
With the death of their sister, I have been lenient to the point that I have not challenged their intellect. I don't know... both boys are very intelligent. They have done well. But I didn't push the homework like I should. Both boys are honor roll students so I didn't feel like they needed the challenge. I felt that they needed time to adjust, recover and deal with the loss. (Let's be honest, I needed to deal with the loss and grieve myself. ) So I didn't push it. Well, it has been nearly 21 months since Britt's death and my boys are getting older. If I don't start training them now, it is going to be very difficult to do it in the future. (And no, it is not too late for my fifteen year old. Difficult, maybe. Too late, never.)
My fifteen old now looks at me like I am crazy because now I am starting to push those buttons. I expect him to deliver. It is very challenging but I know the value of taking school seriously. He will go far if he does well. It is my responsiblity to make sure that he does everything he needs to do, to be prepared and focused. So I'm ready for the challenge. And he will be too.
But would someone PLEASE pray for me?! Homework now includes driving practice.
Monday, September 8, 2008
A Bona Fide Member of the Sandwich Generation
The sandwich generation has been defined as those adults who are raising kids and taking care of their elderly parents all at the same time. Well, that is definitely me. These last few weeks have been tough. I've been busy working on our condensed Women's Season at our church. My husband celebrated his 51st birthday on the 4th. Some members of the church threw him a beautiful celebration with a sit down dinner and we were impressed. It was a wonderful church event. The family party is this weekend. My husband's siblings will be in town. It will be a great weekend, filled with great food (I can't wait!), fellowship and family fun.
My boys are back in school. I'm relieved but worried, because this is the season that I must really begin my serious training sessions for my 15 year old. (I'm way behind in this department). He's brilliant, but lazy and hates to read. Well, he's going to start "Mommy's School" since he never seems to have home work. I know that it will be a major transition for him. Both boys treat our home like a five star resort. They each have their favorite space and life is just wonderful. My fifteen year old is on the computer, wishing for his dream car. I've seen every model imaginable and I just have to sigh and smile. I don't know where he got the idea that we were going to buy him a $30,000-$40,000 luxury sports car. I know, I know. The Driver's Ed class was passed and now he's just waiting for Mommy to take him to the DMV. Then we have to get the car. I want to tell him so bad, "until we find you a nice used model, you'll be driving Mommy's minivan". He'll be heartbroken but he's got to learn that if he wants nice things he going to have to work for them. And working to me, is doing things around the house without being asked. Now that is going to be the struggle. We've decided to get him a small "hooptee". This is synonymous to a seven to ten year old car with about 45,000 miles on it. Like I said, he will be heartbroken but he will get over it. He's bargaining and bartering. "I'll work and get the down payment", he suggests. I just laugh. It's hard for him to vacuum without him justifying why he doesn't want to do it right now. "If you get me my car, then I will..." Well the list goes on and on. He'll do a lot of things for the car. And he wants to get a job where you actually have to work. (Does he think, I think he is going to actually do that ?) I just want him to do things because I have asked him to. You know, obedience and submission. Hence, Mommy school. It won't be fun, but I guarantee he'll be better for it.
Then there is Bryson, my 10 year old. Smart as a whip but is passionate about CARTOONS and the Disney Channel. This boy has clocked more hours in front of the TV than I have reading my Bible. Since he is so smart, he does his homework in about twenty minutes. And his favorite reply is, "Mom, I read at school". And off to my bedroom where he has the full use of our master bedroom suite. He calls it his personal lounge. Well, I fooled him. With school in the second week, he went to the condensed version of Mommy School. I signed him up for the school's Afterschool Enrichment Program. I was never so glad as I was when I gave them my $150 registration fee and gladly paid for the month of September at $200 a pop!!! We'll he's running, jumping, sweating, doing his homework, reading and he gets home just in time for dinner. Then he has a short TV time and then he is off for a shower and bed time. (Well, I couldn't take it away completely. An hour or so of TV is a lot better than four hours of watching TV.) During the summer I started him reading "Black Boy" by Richard Wright. Since I read this in undergrad, I'm wasn't pressing him to read a 384 page novel during his summer vacation. Like I said, he's only ten. But he seems to be enjoying it and he is still waddling through Part I: Southern Night, as we journey into September. So when he has nothing to do or proclaims that he is bored, I direct him to the novel and he quickly finds something to do after about 30 minutes of reading. Mommy School...it is a wonderful thing.
Then there are my parents. I love them so much but they are my children as well. (At least, that is how I feel sometimes.) My father loves the fact that I have to wait on him hand and foot. My husband calls me "the new wife" since my Mom has relegated all of his demands to me. Of course, I just smile a lot and say "yes, Daddy". But I want to scream when he doesn't want to finish his meal or gets chewing gum on my new sofa. And when he gets it all over his pajamas (that now need to be thrown away) I just want to cry. Especially when he looks me dead in my eyes and swears that he didn't do it. He blames my mother. She is the one that got chewing gum on his pajamas. I worry about him getting enough nutrients. He doesn't have a good appetite anymore and we are buying Ensure by the case. But his days are filled with reading the newspaper and he is content watching the Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune. For a 91 year old, life has never been so good. My mom is precious. At 86, she wants to do things around the house and I have to put my foot down and say no (very respectfully, of course.) I was in a worried state because I was afraid that she had cancer. We have been going back and forth to the doctor for the past three weeks and praise be to God - no cancer. But like one doctor said, "you don't have a problem, Ms. Key, but you do have an issue." For now we will watch her and get her blood checked every two weeks. We're trying to get her to gain some weight. We have another doctor's visit tomorrow to check more into that. Malabsorption, they say. Maybe she is allergic to gluten. We don't know, but I worry and I pray.
As a minister I know that we are to "trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not to our own understanding". But when it is your parents and it is your responsibility to take care of them, sometimes you can't help it. So each day, I make sure they are fed, clean, have had their meds and are enjoying a lot of sunshine and of course the CBS soaps and the game shows. My boys are wonderful and will graduate from Mommy School. And yes, they will grow up to be awesome men of God who have successful lives and bright futures. And yes, our marriage is wonderful and we enjoy working together and sharing in this thing called ministry.
Life is somewhat harried, but I'm learning how to deal with it with less pressure and better insight. I'm prioritizing and honing my organizational skills. I've learned what my limits are and now am not afraid to say "No" when I need to.
Yes, I am a bona fide member of the sandwich generation and learning from each bite of it.
My boys are back in school. I'm relieved but worried, because this is the season that I must really begin my serious training sessions for my 15 year old. (I'm way behind in this department). He's brilliant, but lazy and hates to read. Well, he's going to start "Mommy's School" since he never seems to have home work. I know that it will be a major transition for him. Both boys treat our home like a five star resort. They each have their favorite space and life is just wonderful. My fifteen year old is on the computer, wishing for his dream car. I've seen every model imaginable and I just have to sigh and smile. I don't know where he got the idea that we were going to buy him a $30,000-$40,000 luxury sports car. I know, I know. The Driver's Ed class was passed and now he's just waiting for Mommy to take him to the DMV. Then we have to get the car. I want to tell him so bad, "until we find you a nice used model, you'll be driving Mommy's minivan". He'll be heartbroken but he's got to learn that if he wants nice things he going to have to work for them. And working to me, is doing things around the house without being asked. Now that is going to be the struggle. We've decided to get him a small "hooptee". This is synonymous to a seven to ten year old car with about 45,000 miles on it. Like I said, he will be heartbroken but he will get over it. He's bargaining and bartering. "I'll work and get the down payment", he suggests. I just laugh. It's hard for him to vacuum without him justifying why he doesn't want to do it right now. "If you get me my car, then I will..." Well the list goes on and on. He'll do a lot of things for the car. And he wants to get a job where you actually have to work. (Does he think, I think he is going to actually do that ?) I just want him to do things because I have asked him to. You know, obedience and submission. Hence, Mommy school. It won't be fun, but I guarantee he'll be better for it.
Then there is Bryson, my 10 year old. Smart as a whip but is passionate about CARTOONS and the Disney Channel. This boy has clocked more hours in front of the TV than I have reading my Bible. Since he is so smart, he does his homework in about twenty minutes. And his favorite reply is, "Mom, I read at school". And off to my bedroom where he has the full use of our master bedroom suite. He calls it his personal lounge. Well, I fooled him. With school in the second week, he went to the condensed version of Mommy School. I signed him up for the school's Afterschool Enrichment Program. I was never so glad as I was when I gave them my $150 registration fee and gladly paid for the month of September at $200 a pop!!! We'll he's running, jumping, sweating, doing his homework, reading and he gets home just in time for dinner. Then he has a short TV time and then he is off for a shower and bed time. (Well, I couldn't take it away completely. An hour or so of TV is a lot better than four hours of watching TV.) During the summer I started him reading "Black Boy" by Richard Wright. Since I read this in undergrad, I'm wasn't pressing him to read a 384 page novel during his summer vacation. Like I said, he's only ten. But he seems to be enjoying it and he is still waddling through Part I: Southern Night, as we journey into September. So when he has nothing to do or proclaims that he is bored, I direct him to the novel and he quickly finds something to do after about 30 minutes of reading. Mommy School...it is a wonderful thing.
Then there are my parents. I love them so much but they are my children as well. (At least, that is how I feel sometimes.) My father loves the fact that I have to wait on him hand and foot. My husband calls me "the new wife" since my Mom has relegated all of his demands to me. Of course, I just smile a lot and say "yes, Daddy". But I want to scream when he doesn't want to finish his meal or gets chewing gum on my new sofa. And when he gets it all over his pajamas (that now need to be thrown away) I just want to cry. Especially when he looks me dead in my eyes and swears that he didn't do it. He blames my mother. She is the one that got chewing gum on his pajamas. I worry about him getting enough nutrients. He doesn't have a good appetite anymore and we are buying Ensure by the case. But his days are filled with reading the newspaper and he is content watching the Price is Right and Wheel of Fortune. For a 91 year old, life has never been so good. My mom is precious. At 86, she wants to do things around the house and I have to put my foot down and say no (very respectfully, of course.) I was in a worried state because I was afraid that she had cancer. We have been going back and forth to the doctor for the past three weeks and praise be to God - no cancer. But like one doctor said, "you don't have a problem, Ms. Key, but you do have an issue." For now we will watch her and get her blood checked every two weeks. We're trying to get her to gain some weight. We have another doctor's visit tomorrow to check more into that. Malabsorption, they say. Maybe she is allergic to gluten. We don't know, but I worry and I pray.
As a minister I know that we are to "trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not to our own understanding". But when it is your parents and it is your responsibility to take care of them, sometimes you can't help it. So each day, I make sure they are fed, clean, have had their meds and are enjoying a lot of sunshine and of course the CBS soaps and the game shows. My boys are wonderful and will graduate from Mommy School. And yes, they will grow up to be awesome men of God who have successful lives and bright futures. And yes, our marriage is wonderful and we enjoy working together and sharing in this thing called ministry.
Life is somewhat harried, but I'm learning how to deal with it with less pressure and better insight. I'm prioritizing and honing my organizational skills. I've learned what my limits are and now am not afraid to say "No" when I need to.
Yes, I am a bona fide member of the sandwich generation and learning from each bite of it.
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