Moving Forward

It is amazing when God pushes you in the back and tells you to move on. He has been pushing really hard in my life recently. As I face a new day, I see my to-do list and immediately I am overwhelmed because I am a master procrastinator. I view everything that needs to get done in my life and I often want to put my head under a blanket and hide. But God said...not so.


I recently shared with some dear friends, that I haven't even grieved my father's passing. We won't even mention that Britt continues to drop in my spirit and the memories continue to flood my heart and my mind. I have two book proposals that need tweaking; I have a few church ministries to oversee; a summer schedule that I need to coordinate with my boys and some day trips that I need to muster up for me and my Mom. Did I forget to mention that my bedroom needs cleaning and my office is a disaster? We will just add them to the list...


But God reminded me that I have to move forward. Stop dwelling on the to-do list that never quite gets done. I need to wake up each morning with a plan and execute it with the tenacity and courage. By doing so, it will push me toward my daily goals as I force those areas of doubt and being overburdened to be placed under my feet.


Moving forward takes that strength to let some things go. If I need to I'll hire some folk to help. I'll do those things that only I can do...like spend some precious moments with my 87 year old Mom.


Moving forward will force me to choose those things that are doable and drop those things that waste my time. (I do have a sixteen year old and a ten year old that can help with the bedroom clean up. There is no need to stress over that...)


God, in His awesomeness, will help me if I let him. He will direct me to those paths that He wants me to travel. He will equip me with whatever I need when I get to where he wants me to go.


Moving forward means leaving some things (and some people) behind even when you see them as a crutch that you have leaned on for awhile. Let those things (and/or people) go and move forward with faith.


Scripture states that I need to press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. That alone seems overwhelming. But that is exactly what I am going to do. Moving forward, placing one foot in front of the other, standing in faith and covered in prayer.


But first, I need to clean up my office...

Just A Few Simple Words...

My Dad died three weeks ago. It was the strangest thing. I took him to the hospital, only because I was concerned about his not eating. He had lost interest in food and it was a struggle to get him to eat like he should. But each day, we would coax him to eat a little of this and a little of that. I was so concerned that I took him to the doctor.

"We have to get you to eat, Mr. Powell", the doctor shouted since Dad refused to wear his hearing aids. So in the hospital he went, only to be told that he was fine, just old. He charmed the nurses with his wit and his songs. He sang for everyone who was willing to listen.

Dad came home and began to sleep - all day and all night. I know that it was a sign. But a sign that I REFUSED to accept.

Then Dad started to wet through his clothes. Another sign...but I pretended that it was just another accident.

Then Dad decided that he not only wanted to sleep all the time but now he refused to walk.

Another sign, but my thought was, the man is 91 and if he is tired - he is tired.

But when he didn't get up from his nap and I had to spoon feed him his dinner well, I just thought he was recouperating from the UTI that they found while we were in the hospital.

But God had other plans. My Dad was dying...

Unlike the days and months before, my Dad laid down, went to sleep and woke up in glory.

The strangest thing was, grief didn't overwhelm me this time. I miss him, yes, but my Dad had a full life of baseball, women, friendship, laughter and song. And at age 70, he accepted the Lord as his personal Savior. What more could you have asked for?

So there was acceptance on my part. My Dad was gone after a life that was later filled with a intense love for the Word of God, gospel music and family.

BUT all I could remember were just a few simple words that he graced my life with over my 47 years.

Words like, "I love you", "you're just the sweetest thing" "you're so sweet" and "don't worry about me cause when I leave here, I'm going to be with the Lord". These words he said to me at least once a day for as long as I can remember.

These precious words will keep me as I try to take care of my greiving mother. A woman who loved in spite of betrayal and heartbreak. A woman who stood by her man's side, when she should have divorced him. A woman who is the classic example of a love that is never ending, patient and kind.

Since he passed she wears his watch. When she's not wearing it, she is holding it close. A keepsake, a gentle reminder of a love that stood the test of time of 58 years.

When I will think of him in the days to come, other words will spring to mind. Words like baseball, robin, wallet and hat. These four words came to be such a part of my Dad's daily existence; well, without them, he wouldn't be Dad.

So as we closed the coffin that clear Friday in May, I placed his wallet and his hat in with him. His coffin was adorned with a red breasted robin that was embroidered on the casket's sheath. The robin will always be his moniker, like the song he sung faithfully in the church. It is commonly known as "The Robin Song". And will always be remembered as my Dad's song from hundreds of people that heard him perform it.

These a just a few simple words that will sustain me as I face each day without my Dad. In spite of everything, he loved me. In spite of everything else, he cherished me. For that, I will always be grateful.

Another four words spring to my mind as I close out this post:

I Love You, Daddy.

Ulus Powell May 29, 1917 - May 16, 2009

Any Old Excuse Will Do...

I haven't written since October and I have many excuses. Mom's cancer diagnosis and ongoing recovery, the 2nd anniversary of Britt's death, church work, conferences, the loss of a special friend in our lives, travel and holiday furor are all good reasons to be too busy to write. But none are good enough to bear the weight of me not writing.

I have missed sitting here sharing my heart. I love the process of birthing the words, the sentence structures, the thoughts and incessant ramblings that are always in my head. I guess that is the creative part of me, that is always pushing, always forcing itself to be heard, if only in my imagination.

When I finally take the time to write, I find time to embrace my thoughts, discover new ideas and then try painfully to write it all eloquently. (Hopefully all you readers out there can understand me.) Then I try to get it all down before I lose it all. It's fun but I find myself racing against this clock that is always ticking, forcing me to hurry. Maybe that is why it has been a struggle. But I'm going to put all those distractions away and write anyway.
I hope that you will be there to share this labor of love.
Blessings,
Melodie

Just A Simple Reminder

As I was looking at my blog, I struggled as I considered my blogging options. I must admit, when I see that I haven't written in days, the weight of writer's guilt overwhelms me. I want to do better, but with my schedule and my daily tasks, I am amazed that I remember to take a shower. There are so many things that are in my spirit that I want to share. I can't write them all TODAY, but I recognize the fact that I should write something.

As I struggled, the Holy Spirit sent me a writer's prompt. It was just a simple reminder. It happened so quickly as I was looking over the blog. I glanced at the faith quotes located on the top left of the page. I placed these quotes there to remind us all of the importance of faith. (You can't walk in "Big Shoes" without faith.) With so many famous people having spoken about faith, surely we can gain something that will empower us in our daily walk.

Well today was my day. I love how the Holy Spirit knows just what you need and when you need it. I looked over and there was the quote for Saint Augustine that stated:

Faith is to believe what you do not see;

The REWARD of this faith is to see what you believe.

I'm a minister and I have preached and taught about faith many times over. And yes, I know that this quote from Saint Augustine is just a old ("new") twist on Hebrews 11:1. But isn't it wonderful to know that God sees when you are going through and He sends you a quote from a man who has been dead for over 1700 years to remind you of HIS faithfulness.

I don't know about you but recently I felt as if I was up against a wall. With my mother's recent's diagnosis and upcoming surgery, my physical weariness from doctor's visit's and consultations, the pressures of homelife, church and community, the yo-yo effect of the economy, concerns for friend's prayer requests and my role of caretaker of two wonderful senior citizens, plus this innate desire to write a book and no time to write it, well faith seem to be the furthest thing I can focus on today.

Isn't that like many of you? We tend to focus on what's wrong instead of the "absolute possibility" that God is going to show up. We strategically place God in the "Maybe He will help today" column and instead worry about our cares and frustrations. I know God sometimes looks down during those times and says, "Beloved, where is your faith?" Let's be honest, sometimes it is so hard. It is hard to trust God when it seems like you are alone in this life and nothing is working out. There have been times (especialy when I faced the fact that I had to deal with cancer again and it has only been 20 months since Britt's death) that I wanted to run and get under my heavy blanket and stay there until everything is over.

But let me say this to all of you. God wants us to be adult about the situation. (Don't you hate that?) He wants us to be a faith filled people even when it is hard. He wants us to believe what we don't see. That my sisters and brothers require a mind-set change. We must change the way we look at things. We must change the way we analyze things and yes, we must change the way we react to things. Still the bottom of line is, will we believe that God can get us out of our present dilemma when it looks like He's NOT going to do it today? Can we still be faith filled people? Can we remain is a calm state although that check didn't come today or we didn't get the job?

Can we believe it although we can't see it?

I want to answer for you and say yes! Just believe and before you know it, you will get the reward. Maybe not today. Maybe not at the exact moment you feel like you need it most. But God always shows up when it seems like ALL the chips are down and there is no where to turn. God manifests His grace that empowers us to abound in ALL things... and "all" means ALL.

Believing even when we can't see is hard. Trusting God, when it seems like there is no way out is HARD. Trusting God, when you want to hide is HARD. Trusting God when it seems like those closest to you are the farthest away is HARD.

Hebrews 11:1a says it like this, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for...

What are you hoping for today? A miracle? A mortgage payment? A rekindled love that been gone for awhile? Maybe it a financial breakthrough or a college tuition payment. The requests are endless but the reward of believing what you don't see now will be the manifestation of seeing what you have believed.

Just let that simmer in your spirit. I wanted to share this simple reminder. Remember there is nothing too hard for God.

Now, can you believe that?

Blessings,

Melodie

Oh That He Would Hide Me

Waiting in the patient's waiting room, I had a case of deja vu. While my mom tried to digest 1000cc of contrast which was faintly disguised as Crystal Light Lemonade, I listened to the sounds around me. As I sat there, I heard a small child in distress, crying hysterically and I just sat there and my eyes burned with tears. I wanted to run and comfort this child who I did not know. This child, was probably afraid, because x-ray rooms can be dark and scary. Yet, I was remembering my own fears as I has waited with Britt years ago. But I wasn't here with her. I was here with my Mom, trying to be a comfort, a place of safety.

But while we waited, I was remembering being in another small room at Duke University Hospital and listening to all the tired sick children cry as they waited for a CT scan. The flashbacks came and danced before my mind and I longed to look across the room and see Britt waiting for her turn. Instead, I remembered where I was and why I was here. I remembered my mother and her cancerous polyp and I thought about the possible results.

Oh that He would hide me in the secret place...

In the 21 months since she has been gone, I've journeyed to new places in faith so the remembering doesn't keep my stomach in knots anymore. Now I worry about Mom losing her balance; Mom being taken care of by tired hospital staff and fretting about Mom being able to withstand the rigors of possible treatment.

Oh that He would hide me in the secret place...

But as I sat there, I simply exhaled and I smile at my Mom. We engage in casual conversation and I want her to know that she is safe. Still she wants to make sure that I am warm and okay. She is always the Mom. But as I confront my own discomfort and the place where I find myself, I simply remember I've done this before. God was with me then and God is with me now. I thought to myself as she glanced at an old National Geographic magazine, when we leave this place, we are going to take the long way home so she can enjoy the trees, the birds and all the different people she sees on the street.

The technician came to get her and off the two of them went. I prayed as they left the room. I sat and read the latest book that I had in my purse. I looked at her contrast and cup and noticed that she had drunk it all. Not a whimper, nor a complaint. She always just did what she had to do. I buried myself in the book and I looked up and there was my Mom and the nice CT technician. She's all through, he said as he brought her walker in front of me. "She's finished?", I asked in astonishment. Well, she wasn't back there 15 minutes. When Britt had a CT she was back there for 45 minutes to an hour sometimes two. I gathered her things, we journeyed to the front of the hospital and I got her in the car.

What this a good thing or a bad thing? But instead of fretting about it, I decided to pray. We journeyed home and Mom and I talked about the change of the season and the beautiful color of the fall leaves. She loves that kind of thing. She talked about trees that I had never heard of and the onset of the fall season. (I tell you, the woman should have been a botanist.) That conversation carried us all the way home where Mom got settled in her routine and I talked to my husband. This time I didn't call my cousin in NY. I decided to wait until we heard something.

Although I walked this walk before, I was going to trust God to bring Mommy out. No matter how many times I reflected on Britt's journey with cancer, I also knew that Mom was not Britt. Britt was diagnosed with Stage 4 metastatic cancer at the age of twelve. Mom had a cancerous polyp and she was 86 years old. Not the same scenario.

While we waited on the results in the days that followed, I began to pray for Mom's health more and more. Thanking God for his hedge of protection around her, I rested and worked on church work. God is so faithful and as I allowed him to hide me, I could wait in peace. In the secret place, God will hide me from the fear, the anxiety and the pain of waiting, knowing that no matter what the technician saw on the scan God would be with my Mom all the way. I'm learning to trust Him more and more even when I don't know how things are going to end up.

Oh that He would hide me in the secret place...

As I walk this uncertain journey, let me admonish you to trust Him even when you don't know how things are going to end up. Exhale and let the pressure escape and learn to rest in Him. He is the only person that can solve your issue and concern. Learn to turn things over to Him and just go along for the ride. But while you are riding along with the cares of this world, don't forget to look out the window and enjoy the scenery. Take on the beauty of God and all that He has created and rest in that. God will allow you to enjoy some things even when you are on one of your harrowing journeys. So hide in His creation and His love for you. Hide in the fact that He is there with you.

It doesn't get any better than that.

Blessings,

Melodie

The Doctor's Visit

On a recent doctor's visit, my mom's platelet count was found to be extremely high. Of course, when Britt was sick, I monitored her counts on a daily basis. I knew a high (or low) count was nothing to fool around with. I immediately became concerned. My Mom has always been the calm, stoic one who never allowed anything ruffle her feathers. So when her doctor suggested a colonoscopy, she didn't flinch.

I sat there in shock but quicky got myself together. After several more doctors and visits to their offices, the day of the colonoscopy had arrived. I was assured by the nurses that she would be back from the procedure in 30-45 minutes. Reading old magazines, listening to CNN didn't calm my nerves. It wasn't that I hadn't sat in a treatment waiting room a thousand times before, nor was I not use to procedures taking longer that stated. But as I sat there those 45 minutes became three hours. My poor mommy!

Finally I was ushered back to an exhausted doctor, who had laid out a collection of pictures for me to see. His concern was just with one. There staring back at us was an ugly polyp, who refused to come out completely. "I couldn't get it all. You see where I stained it? That is where we are going to have to go back. She's been back there for almost three hours. " He suggested another colonoscopy in four to six weeks. I met my mother back in the pre-treatment room and there she sat, with not a worry or concern. We packed up and traveled home after a quick stop at Starbucks. Of course, the enemy began to speak to me and I immediately began to pray and confess the Word of God over my mother's health. As I drove, I glanced over as my mother nodded off and on. I prayed as she slept that God would give me the strength to support her and keep her encouraged.

We waited for a few days and around 5:30, we got the dreaded phone call. My mom's doctor, trying to sound as supportive as he could, let us know that the polyp that he removed was cancerous. My heart dropped to the floor and it seemed like by breath had stopped. I glanced over at my mom as she sat in the family room folding laundry. How was I going to tell her? Knowing how she worried, I knew that this news would keep her up at night. Lord Jesus, how do I tell her? When do I tell her? I ran up to the guest room and prayed. Then I sat there and remembered Britt's struggle, her battles with chemo and her willingness to fight. She got it from somewhere and I knew that her strength came from my mother. Some admire me because of my own strength, but like Britt, I stand as resilently as I can because of what my mother gave to me. So I must assume, she would be strong enough to handle whatever news I gave her. But I didn't want her to to worry that day or the immediate days to come so I didn't tell her. I called my cousin (a doctor in NY) and I shared all the details. She counseled me and agreed with me that a few day wouldn't matter.

Instead, I prayed more and trusted God. And I loved my mother with things she loved to do, like getting her hair done and going to Shomars and buying her favorite fish sandwich. As I allowed the days to pass, I would watch my mother and would just become full. Brittany and now my mother...God help me! But instead of crying and getting depressed, I committed my mornings to a more intimate time in prayer for my mother, my family, our ministry and God's plan for our life. I had to lay all of those issues at the feet of Jesus. There I would lay my burden down of worry and concern and trust God to take care of everything. With that realization and acceptance, I decided to let God handle it. For he promised that He would never leave me nor forsake me. And as the days passed by, I knew that He would handle everything. With that acknowledgement, I exhaled.

Pushing, Pressing and Praying Through - A Choice We Have To Make

Every challenge that confronts me has the opportunity to impact my life in a positive or negative way. In times past, I would allow the pressure to overwhelm me, consume me, distract me. But with growth and God's grace, I now realize that I have a choice to make. Every person who reads this blog can make the same choice. We must all ask ourselves, how am I going to allow this event to influence my life? The question is pretty simple; yet we in our complex lives, complicates matters with complex solutions. Not me, well, not anymore. I've learned that the pressures of living, the accidental circumstances, the happenstances, the coincidences can take me over the edge if I allow it. But not me.

I look back and I realize that when I lost my daughter I had a choice.. The grief was so powerful, so consuming that I allowed it to drop me into an abyss that I recently climbed out of...it was a scary journey. Although I invited God in, I wouldn't consider allowing him to bring me out. He in His infinite grace and mercy, allowed me to stay there; but He quietly stayed by my side, insuring me of my safety and sanity. Yet, I had a choice to make. I made a quality decision and that decision was life changing. I made a choice to live. I pushed myself to get up each morning and mother my sons. I could have stayed in the bed and cried and lamented, but instead I did things a mother is supposed to do; love my sons, feed my sons, help with their laundry, encourage them over homework and just be there to let them know how important they were to me. I could have easily ignored them, instead I pressed through the hurt and loved them. I could have allowed my grief to overshadow the fact, that I still had two sons to love and raise. But instead, I chose to do what was best for them.

Even with that lesson learned, I continue to face many challenges. The pressure of ministry often made me yearn to go on sabbatical and stay away for an extended period of time. But God told me, you can't run from the pressures of responsibility no matter how difficult it becomes. You must face each challenge, knowing that God has your back. The blessed thing is if you love God, (and you know that He loves you) God is going to bring you through each challenge anyway. And still I struggle with the fact that God is not just a God over problems but He wants to direct you each day which each step that you make. The question is, will you allow Him to do that in your life? And if you say, yes, remember that you can't allow confusion to cloud your judgement. He wants to instruct you in the way that you should go. Still, we all have a choice to make. Will we let him in?

So what choice do I make? I'm going to trust Him to carry me. But while I am trusting him, I'm going to push through the circumstances of life. I'm going to push through the maze that clouds my direction. I'm going to push through the pressure of having to perform; I'm going to push past the questions that confront me. Questions, like, what about the book? What about the company? What about the plan and what about the dream? All these question, only God has the answers. So why shouldn't I push through until he tells me what He wants me to do.

What is the other choice that I must make? I've got to press through the confusion, the worry and the doubt and trust God to give me clear insight and direction. Pressing through pain and discouragement, can distract you...if you allow it. Sometimes the pain is so great; even as you press through, it tries to take your breath away. Often times, pressing through means allowing yourself to exhale. And I mean that literally. Just taking a deep breathe and breathing out, allows the body to destress and relax. But we must decide to PRESS!!!! Press through all the things that wants to take you in the wrong direction.

Most importantly, we must pray through every situation that we confront. God impressed upon my heart to take my intercession to another level. Isn't it funny, how often we stop praying when we are confronting the most pain? Well, God told me, the things that I want from Him will never come if I don't go to the next level in prayer. Well, I've never prayed so intensely as I have prayed these past months. The blessing is, I have seen a tremendous blessing in my walk with Him. The vision that God has given me is clearer and I have detailed instructions on what to do to make them come to pass. But this would have never happened, if I would not have taken my prayer life to another level. And praying is WORK! Yes, it is sweet communion with God and it is a great time of fellowship with him, but readers, if you want to tear down some serious strongholds, it is warfare. And warfare is WORK through prayer.

Had I chosen not to participate and not pray...well things would be a lot worse. Had I chosen not to press through the issues of life, I bet you I would have had a nervous breakdown by now. And had I not chosen to push through my grief I would probably have died six months ago.

But God gives us choices. And I am so grateful that He was there to help me make the right one. I decided, instead of succumbing to the pressure, I'm pushing through it with faith. I pressing on with power and I'm staying on my knees in prayer asking God to be a part of it all.

Who am I kidding? I couldn't have handled it on my own anyway.
Blessings,
Melodie